Journey through Infertility

The journey from infertility to family, someone once said, is like taking a train ride; Never knowing whether you'll reach your desired destination. There are plenty of stops along the ride. And each of the passengers makes it's own decision when its time to get off. Some never need to take the train. Others ride it for a lifetime. But whether you reach your destination or not, pay attention to the journey. If you will, as painful as it is, it may reward you in unexpected ways.

Been Sad and Thinking about the Baby Situation Again.

So these past few days I have been sad and all I have been thinking about how its not fair! Why cant I have a baby too? Well I came upon some poems that really got to my heart. This is for all the ladies out there TTC.

God answers so many of my little prayers, so why not the big ones too? I just can't understand it why does He do the things he decides to do? My deepest desire lies unfulfilled I feel so hopeless inside I know I should be thankful and not so full of pride. I ask God every day for this or that, you know, little things. And when He answers so clearly my heart just really sings. But in those deep, pondering moments When I ask for the desire of my heart, I get no clear answer and then my tears start, Oh God, I want a baby to hold and kiss and love I know that You alone can give me that blessing from above. I keep waiting, waiting, waiting and my patience grows to despair. Oh why can't I have a baby? For nothing else I truly care. I know You haven't forgotten me for better things to do because You answer all my little prayers, I just wish You'd fulfill my big one too.

A mother without a child

I won't lie. I can't stop thinking about it, When I do think, I am overwhelmed. Longing for the day when the doctor says: "Congratulations! You are going to be parents" When I heard that our friends were expecting my heart jumped into my throat and I cried. Happy for them, of course, but more so, the feeling 'I wish it were us'. No. The sickness aches and pains do not dissuade me. Nor does the financial worry. I want to run my protective hands across my bump. Proudly! I want to feel our baby growing inside. I am yearning to see our child for the first time, Cold, wet and vulnerable. Our child. Made from love - A piece of you. A piece of me. A little person with our smiles and eyes. Tiny fingers grasping ours for security. Someone to love, teach and watch grow. I feel incomplete. I am; A Mother without a child.

My 300 game Bowling Ring

The other choice of rings I could have picked from

The Ring I choose

This year they started something diffrent. From here on out they only give one 300 game ring for a lifetime, and they made it where you can only pick from 3 diffrent styles. This was a touch decision but this is the one I choose on the left. I think that they look so much like class rings and they are made for a mans hand. Dont these people know that women have little hands. The other picture on the right is a pic of the womens 300 game ring that they used to have available. What ever happen to keeping these rings for the ladies. Luckly for myself Doug bowled a 300 last year and let me have the ring, I choose the ladies (the one pictured) so I have one. I wear it everyday. Not only does it mean something to me but then I can show my love and support for my husbands awesome bowling.

I bowled a perfect 300 Game!

So last night I had my Thursday night bowling league. I started off the night bowling average shot 214 the first game and 206 the second game. I would have done better but I kept on leaving 10 pins. So its now the last game and I just said to my teammates that the night seemed long and I was ready to go home. Well its now the 3rd game and I am shooting very well. I had the front 9 when I realized that I just got the hardest strike out of the way and as I was walking back to my table some of the other ladies on the team noticed that I had the front 9 started getting nervous which was making me a little nervous. My mom of course could tell and tells me that its going to be ok, you can do this take your time. So I go up to the lanes and let the one lady next to me finish her frame and I started the 10th frame. I was nervous as this was the lane that I struggled with all night leaving 10 pins. But I threw the 10 ball perfectly fine not scared or nervous at all. It was flush in the pocket, everyone cheered. I walked back and looked up and there was so many people standing behind me watching. I got up to bowl the 11th strike and my legs and arm were jello, I was thinking oh no Im going to screw this up. I threw the ball and according to one of the girls I pulled it, but I was so in the moment I couldnt tell I just wanted the strike. Well somehow after pulling it, I managed to find the oil and bam flush strike again. Everyone screamed and cheered. This time I walked back and never looked up, I stared at the floor till I turned around. I grabbed my ball and took the approach. Now the legs more week then the last ball I got up on the apporach and told myself at least if you dont shoot the 300 you can still shoot the best game ever in your life. I threw the ball feeling like I had no power and week in the knees. Bam flush perfectly in the pocket. Everyone cheering and I so about to cry, cant believing that I just actually threw a perfect game. I walked back and everyone wanted high fives or to hug me I felt so special and that everyone cared. Thank you to everyone that congratulated me. It was the best experience I have ever had bowling. Because of shooting the best game of my life I no longer hate bowling and cant wait to go back.

My Little Man Tanner

Ok so I have a dog that loves to play in the snow, not only does he play in the snow, it looks like he is trying to swim in the snow. I have a picture of his face covered in snow to show this time, but next time I hope to have a video of him playing.

Training in Virginia for my Job

All Site Admins

MaRhonda & I

Lisa & Tia

Last Night Together @ TGI Fridays

Famous Daves

Lisa enjoying those Ribs!

She didnt know I was taking this picture, I caught her off gaurd!

Previous Boss Gena & Lisa

All the Site Admins

So all of you know I am a Site Administrator that works for VSE Corp. We have several sites all over the world. And our Headquarters in Alexandria, VA. But Here at this site in Hamel, IL we restore military equipment. My job is to maintain all the paperwork, and get parts or items ordered needed to get the jobs done, plus tons of other office duties. But ever year around March all the site Admins all fly into Virginia and we have a meeting and learn new training. This year was fun, this is how my trip to Virginia went:

Flew out Monday afternoon and landing in Virginia at 6 pm. The hotel driver (Glenn) picked me up and remembered me from the year before we chated all the way to the hotel where as soon as we was pulling in my boss Lisa was calling. Lisa was calling to find out where I was to invite me to dinner. I advised her I was in the parking lot and would be inside in just a minute. When I got inside Lisa and 4 other Admins where sitting there on the couched getting ready to head to dinner but said they would wait for me. I checked into the hotel, ran upstairs to my room and headed back down stairs to meet the ladys. So this year is a little diffrent then last year that I was there. Last year I had a diffrent boss and she lives in Virginia. And last year when I went there was only 1 other admin and the rest were site managers. None of us had a rental car so we had to take the shuttle to dinner and the shuttle only went so far or to certain places. But this year I have a new boss Lisa and she is from San Antonio, TX and she rented a car. Having a car this year was nice. So back to the story we all loaded into the van and started searching for somewhere to eat. Well we ended up at TGI Fridays. The food was very good but the service was terrible. We all finished up and headed back to the hotel when Lisa says do you mind if we stop at walmart I need to get a few items for the meeting tomorrow. So we stopped at walmart all of us had to but something. I of course bought me my Mt Dew. I cant live without a Mt Dew each morning especially since it was my second week of no smoking. So after walmart back at the hotel we are, all heading to the elevator when this Lady stops me and asked me how the restraunt was? Lisa and I both said Food was great Serviced sucked. I was thinking to myself shes was staying at the hotel and was looking for somewhere to eat for dinner, but NO she was the GM and was with the owner of the Company and shewas learning how things were from out of town people. After she learned how our experience was she invites us back for another night of dinner on her. We all said thanks you and went on our way. Lisa invited us all up for some wine she bought, but I declined I went to my room and hoped on my computer and watch TV. Then off to bed. The next morning was breakfast then off to work. There we trained all day. Tue night Lisa and most of the others decided to stay in, so Lisa gave me the keys to the van so 2 other admins and myself met our old boss at Ruby Tuesdays. It was a long night of talking. Wed morning back at work and more training. Wed night we was invited to Famous Daves, when we got there, tons of people was there and munching away on food. We all sat down and joined in. Thur Morning back at work for one last day. Thur night we decided to go back to TGI Fridays we all met up there for one last meal together. It was a very nice night. We finished our dinners, took pics of ach other and then hugged each other good bye and said see you next year. Michelle and I decided before we got to dinner that it was our last night there so we was going to take the train and go site seeing and do some shoping. Well dinner ended up running later than we thought and good thing it did. The stop where Michellle and I was supposed to get off at, The pentagon City stop. At this stop there was a shooting where some guy shot at two cops gaurding the Pentagon. I guess the lord was looking out for us that night. So since it was late and the stores where all closed we decided to just hang out in Michelles room and just chat. But Elaina another Admin and I decided we wanted some wine so Lisa gave me the keys and we ran to Target. Back to Michelles room we went and Lisa ended up meeting us there later in the night. We ended up chatting to 1 in the morning, everyone started to get tired and decided to go to bed. I on the other hand wanted to stay up all night because I set my flight to fly me home at 7 am so I could get home early and sleep all day till hubby goto home from work. Well that didnt happen, I got to my room packed up my suitcase and decided I was getting tired it was now 3 am and I knew I had to be down stairs to catch the shuttle at 5 to catch my flight at 7. I set the alarm and off to sleep I went. I swear it seemed like it was 20 minutes but the alarms goes off and I get up grab my belongings and head downstairs. There I check out and sitting the lobby watching TV till the shuttle guy is ready for me. I get to the airport, check in, drop off my baggage and go to security. There the security was super tight for the day, because of the shotting the night before. It ended up taking me over and hour to get through and the guy that was in front of me, he held me up even longer cause they had to search him and his bags. Then they ended up searching everyone in that party. Im not sure what was worng, but I had a feeling they was introuble and up to something. Well finally I got thru and headed to my gate when I spoted a dunkin donuts, I was thinking sweet Im hungry . I ended up with a donut and a coffee. I finished it just in time the plane was loading and I couldnt be happier all I wanted to do was get home and see my hubby or at least call him. I couldnt even call him just yet cause it was 6:50 am and normal he is up that time to go to work but I am an hour ahead of him so it was only 5:50 and I didnt want to wake him. So I loaded the plane and it was so empty I ended up with no one sitting next to me. Sweet I pulled out my travel pillow, laid the seat back and legs spread all over the other seat and went to sleep, I slept all the way till we was about to land and the stourist woke me and said raise your seat please. I was so tired at that point I was kinda angry for him waking me, but then again I realized that we was almost home. Well we landed I was shuttled to my car. I loaded it and called my man we talked as I was driving the gas station to get gas cause on my way to the airport my light came on. Well I got my gas and headed home. When I got there I left everything in the car went in and went right to sleep. I slept till hubby got home. Wow that was a long tiring trip and now we get to do it 4 times a year now and not 1 per the CEO.

TOP 10 List

Top 10 List of things I want to do:

1. Concieve a Baby or maybe twins....Doug wants twins, I'm not picky

2. Take a honeymoon. Doug and I never got to take a honeymoon yet due to money circumstances, but eventually we plan on taking a cruise for a week to Alaska where he then wants to get off and caribo hunt for a week and then sail back. I just want a romantic vocation with my husband.

3. Build a new house. Right now our house is plenty big for the 2 of us, but as soon as we have a our children I wish we could have a bigger house. But the house plans are a long time away.

4. Remodel the house the I live in now. All new appliances, flooring, painting of the walls, getting the basement finished, new curtains and colors. This house is 10 + years old and still has the original everything in it. Hunter green is out and it needs to go.

5. Start saving up money to have for special things; Vacations, etc.

6. Talking my husband into letting me have a pool in my back yard. And I dont mean a Buehrer kiddie pool but a big pool. Doug tells me no that they cost to much to open and close and they are a pain to take care of . I told him he puts it up and I will take care of it. I will clean it daily and even open and close it. He says yeah right! We are not getting one.

7. I want us to start eating healthy and both lose weight. Since I am on all these fertility meds and I quit smoking I have gained 35 pounds. I would like to lose it all and get back to my weight before the babies come. I wish we had more time or we could start making more time to walk around the park or ride our bikes on thetrails.

8. This summer I plan on going more places and doing more outside. I plan on finding places for Doug and I to go to. Like Float trips, Branson, just mini vactions over the weekends. Possibly planning more bbq's or fish frys at the house. These are always a blast and it gets us all together which dosent happen as much as it used to. Or even spend more time with my family and take the kids places. To the pool or parades or amusement parks.

9. To have a very big yard sale and get my basement cleared out of old junk and things that have been collected that we dont need. I have already started this porject and I am not close to being done. And its already garage sale time. I better get on the ball and get this going.

10. Try to reconnect and meet with my sister for the first time. I would love to know all about her, her husband and my neice and nephew.